Hannah has had many operations in her life and I came across my scribbles from the aftermath of one of these op's. A particularly painful recovery which resulted in a middle of the night A&E visit.
A shout out too for all those incredible carers out there for whom it's an every day struggle. I'm in awe of you.
Tonight I couldn't cope. I reacted badly to a girl who was in pain.
How come and why?
How come I lost patience so quickly and why did I let my guard down and for a moment seemed to stop caring for someone I loved so deeply. It was just that. A moment. But a wrong one that causes me ache to my heart and mind. One moment.
I prayed, I stroked her hair and she cried out in pain. It was night and in the darkness pain doubles its ferocity and in the black of night fear rises because what can you do. And there it was, my hopelessness, that I could do nothing. So I abandoned all hope and sent for the cavalry in the form of a disgruntled, sleepy husband who would do as he was told, in the middle of the night, for the girl that he loved and the woman that he'd signed up for.
And me. Left to the easy job of cuddling the young one back to sleep. Left to my thoughts of why I had become undone in the middle of the night. When pain had not only beaten the sore one but had beaten the carer right down to the ground.
I was so easily floored. So I count to ten and struggle to get up again. Staggering under the weight of what? Something or nothing depending on who's listening at the time.
You're up in the night with your baby and then 25 years later you're still up with your baby and you just for a moment wonder when it will be someone else's turn.
And I lie next to the one who sleeps like a baby because that's what he is. Whilst waiting for the big baby to come home. And the moment will have passed and I didn't pass. But it's ok, because as soon as the wounded returns this soldier will pass out into active service once again. Joining the army of carers young and old, mothers and brothers, paid and unpaid. Just doing their job. Living life. Giving life.
